I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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