I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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