You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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