then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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