Apparently you make a good broom.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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