woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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