i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
