I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
