On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
FUCK WHALES
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
