david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
