Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
