I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
