I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
