I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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