I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
