we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
