i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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