I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
