Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am midnight drunk by noon
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
