Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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