My first STD was from a foam party
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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