So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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