I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
