In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
