I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
