Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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