got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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