It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
