allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
