you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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