One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
