i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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