everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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