we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
