Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
