just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
