omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
