omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
