When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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