Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
