Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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