I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
