She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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