i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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