your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
