i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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