I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
