Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
