God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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