I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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