Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize