You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
