I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
