You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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