This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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