I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
