well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
