What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
