Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
