god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
