Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
