its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
