and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
