Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
