HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drunk is not a location!
I touched a dick in church today
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
