Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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